I haven’t been using this the way it is intended, and I am truly sorry. I fell behind on reviews, I dropped out of the December/January Read-A-Thon. I checked out.

Postpartum depression has hit me like a brick wall, debilitating sadness driving me into the shower so I can cry for over an hour without anyone bothering me. On the first day of this year, I went to bed at 1am with a positive outlook on life, and woke up at 8am wanting to die, to disappear, to take the burden of myself out of the picture.

It was Friday, January 1, that I realized that I need help.

I had a four month wellness check with my OBGYN already scheduled for yesterday (January 4), and I brought it up, desperately pleading for an answer while feeling absolutely humiliated that I even have to ask. After a lengthy discussion, my doctor and I both decided that I need to be on medication.

I started Zoloft last night. I’m terrified that this medication will turn me into a zombie, like the medication I took briefly as a teenager did to me. But I’m also terrified of what my unmedicated brain could do to our family.

I’m going to try to get back into the swing of things. A journal entry here, a short story there. I’m going to try to be more present. I’m going to try to use my mind to produce creative things.

I haven’t worked on my book since the symptoms really started setting in. I’ve read a bunch of books that I haven’t reviewed, but my book took the back burner once again.

I’m going to try to be better.